Dave and Paul have worked here at CBS for over 10 years now. They left NBC after Paul was fired for stealing and Dave, being the loyal friend he is, stepped down from his perch at NBC. Dave describes the first 2-3 years at CBS at being very happy. Things were good. Then the show went into a "long dark cold period." Now, happily, things are good again. But then something happened this weekend.

The "People's Choice Awards" was broadcast Sunday night on the CBS Network, the network of Dave and the Late Show for the past 10 years. CBS was proud of the Awards coup and promoted the show on the CBS website. The website is a great promotional tool and promises only to get bigger and bigger as more people become comfortable with it. Dave and the show were nominated for a People Choice Award this year, our first. We've never been nominated in the past for a People's Choice Award because, well, because people don't like us. But this year, oh happy day, Dave and the show was nominated! The Best Talk Show nominations were for Dave, Jay Leno, and Oprah. And Oprah won. Dave applauds the vote, knowing that Oprah is truly the best. And how did CBS promote the big People's Choice Awards? Dave holds up a copy of the front page of the CBS website which promoted the People's Choice Awards. We see Bill Cosby, an extremely popular icon during the 80's and 90's here at CBS. Then we see the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond" the boffo situation comedy that anchors CBS's Monday Night lineup. And finally there is Jay Leno. Jay Leno? Dave exclaims, "He's not on CBS! I'm on CBS!" Dave can't understand. Jay Leon? Dave then does some Jay Leno impersonations, which if you closed your eyes, you would have sworn it was actually . . . . uh. . . . actually somebody doing a bad impersonation of Jay Leno.

Dave demands a phone call and an apology from one of the big stooges at CBS. Dave says that there is a "somebody" in the Control Room at this very minute and he better be working on getting somebody to call. Dave wants a phone call, an apology, and wants to be told that the guy responsible is going to be fired, although he emphatically adds he doesn't really want anybody fired; he just wants to be told the guy is going to be fired. We take another look at the CBS website promoting the People's Choice Awards. Bill Cosby; the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond; Jay Leno.

We go on with the rest of the show while waiting for the phone call.

It's time to play Late Show Unfair Edit. We cut and splice together a recent speech from California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. He says, "We must / abolish / our schools. / I want to blow them up."

IS DONALD TRUMP'S HAIR GETTING CRAZIER? - The Trump was interviewed by Paula Zahn last week on her CNN "Paula Zahn Now" program. We get a shot of the Donald and his hair is really working it. Just when you think you've seen it all, he turns his head to reveal more of his hair doing the wave.

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY:

"The Department of Homeland Security has lowered the threat level back to yellow. If you are a terrorist, this means that you should hold off on launching attacks at this time. Please wait until the threat level is raised to orange again sometime in the future, and then do what you have to do. Thanks for your understanding. A message from the Department of Homeland Security."

It's something new from Alan Kalter. It's something he calls, "Iraqi Most Wanted Where Are They Now?"
"Kamal Mustafa Abdallah Sultan Al-Tikriti, the Secretary of Saddam's feared Republican Guards, was the Queen of Clubs in the Defense Department's deck of 'Iraqi Most Wanted' cards.
Abdallah Sultan surrendered to U.S. forces on May 17th. Following interrogation and debriefing, he was allowed to return to Baghdad where he soon opened Iraq's first 'Mailboxes Etc.' franchise.
Unfortunately, business was slow, and in September the store's closing coincided with the breakup of this twelve-year marriage to Debbie Abdallah Sulatn al-Tikriti.
But thanks to his smooth R&B stylings on last month's 'Iraqi Idol,' Abdallah Sutlan ended 2003 on a high note. His new album 'Let Me Guard You' is currently number 6 on the Iraqi charts! This has been 'Iraqi Most Wanted Where Are They Now?"

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL TOO LONG - And here to present tonight's top ten list, Democratic Presidential Candidate from Missouri, 14-term congressman Dick Gephardt.
#10. "Every speech begins: "It's great to be wherever the hell I am today."
#9. You've hired Pete Rose to manage your campaign funds.
#7. You black out while campaigning in Nevada and wake up married to Britney Spears
#4. More and more debates are ending with you and Joe Lieberman on the floor wrestling.
#3. You actually attempt to show a pie chart on the radio

Back from commercial after the top ten, Dave points to the blinking phone on his desk. Dave says that is the Chairman and CEO of CBS, Les Moonves. Dave picks up the phone.
Dave: "Hello."
Les Moonves: "Hello, Dave, how are you?"
Dave: "Oh . . . you know."
Les Moonves then apologizes, promises the website will be taken down and replaced, and the person responsible for the mix up will be fired.
Dave seems satisfied with the apology. It was so much better than Pete Rose's.

By 6:09 PM, Jay Leno was off the CBS website and Dave was on. I can only wonder how long it was up?

PATRICIA HEATON: Patricia Heaton congratulates Dave on his newborn. She offers a little sound bite into the future: (screaming) "Help me with the kids!" Patricia knows. She's a mom of 4. Dave holds up a photo of Patricia and her four boys. Yikes. What a handful. She has a few amusing tales to tell of raising them. One night after finally getting the kids to bed, she is called by one of the boys for one last snuggle. Putting down her glass of "ah, finally" wine, she goes upstairs and cuddles with the young one. Smelling the wine on her breath, he says, "You smell like Communion."
In the Catholic Church, not only do you get a snack at the end of mass, you're also offered a bit of the wine. I still consider the wine at Church as something new, but it's been around for at least 10 years now. And when he reached 40 years old, if you think something is 10 years ago, it's actually 20, so the wine at mass has probably been around for 20 years now. I'm not a Communion wine drinker. I don't think red goes with bread.

At 6:09 EST, a click on the CBS website finds that Jay Leno is no longer on the People's Choice site and has been replaced by Dave. Wow, Mr. Moonves really makes things happen.

Dave asks Patricia how the "Raymond" family is doing. Patricia says everyone is doing fine, but she suggests is Dave really wants to know he should ask Ray. Oh? She says that Ray isn't sure is he's going to do another year. Dave laughs, "Oh, he's pretending he's not coming back?" He adds, "Oh, that's just a load of crap. Where else is he going to make a billion dollars a year?"

This Friday you can see Patricia Heaton, along with Tuesday night's guest Jeff Daniels, on the TNT Neil Simon movie, "The Goodbye Girl." It's on all weekend.

KATE BOSWORTH: She's a young beauty, and she's smart! Kate's been accepted to Princeton but has put it on hold while she is busy gaining "life experiences." She plans on studying Psychology and literature. Dave asks if she would ever give up acting to become a psychologist? After some thought, Kate admits "No." I wouldn't call it a Stupid Human Trick, maybe it's more of a Show and Tell piece, but Kate has something to show. She has two different color eyes; one green, one blue. Kate says it's very rare, maybe 1 in 8 million. DOH! 1 in 8 million! With those odds, wouldn't you rather win the lottery? Instead, Kate got stuck with 2 different color eyes. Dave looks on the bright side: "So if you got to a 3-D movie, you wouldn't need those special glasses." Kate stars in "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" which opens January 23. Check your local listings.

And that was our show for Monday, January 12, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

One of my New Years Resolutions was to go on the Aikens Diet. I can listen to all the music I want except Clay Aikens. So far, so good.

It was Ken Daneyko Night at hockey's New Jersey Devils Continental Arena Friday night. The retired Daneyko played 21 years for the Devils and the team celebrated his contribution to a sold-out stadium So why didn't the Devils retire his number and raise his jersey to the rafters? Everybody is wondering and wants to know. My theory is the Devils management will schedule this ceremony later in the season . . . to another sold-out arena. Ka-ching.

Did you watch the Philadelphia Eagle/Green Bay Packer game? Yeah yeah yeah, who cares who won? But did you see Chris Collinsworth, Troy Aikman, and Joe Buck in the post game? Last week I said how it bothered me that Collinsworth stood on the left with his hands-free microphone coming across his right cheek and Joe Buck stood on the right with his hands-free microphone coming across his left cheek. I found the hands-free microphone distracting coming across the face and suggested that Collinsworth and Joe Bush should just switch sides. Did they?

From Wahoo reader Jim Cammisa of Alexandria, Virginia:

"Late in the Eagles/Packers game, they had a shot of the guys in the booth. They were seated in the same order you noted before, CC/TA/JB from L-R. I assume there are either technical or personal reasons why they set themselves up that way. And I imagine one of the reasons they wear the headsets the way they do is so THEY can see EACH OTHER during the 4 hours they spend in that booth, of which we get to see maybe 10 minutes total. And those booths aren't that big, so it's probably too much trouble to switch positions or headsets for just those few minutes. That's what I think, anyway."

Hmmmm, that sounds plausible, but I still want them flip-flopped. The FOX team has only one game left to announce and I will do everything in my power to get them switched for this week's Eagle/Panther game. C'mon, FOX Producers, make the change! Just Say No to the hands-free microphone across the face. Get it on the other side of the face! Produce, producers!

Thank you, Jim Cammisa for taking the time to notice. It's my goal to influence all sports viewers in some small way.

Following Saturday's Patriot/Titan game, I said to myself, "Hey, I didn't yell at the TV all that much during this game. I guess it was well shot." Sunday morning, radio sports guy Mike Francesa mentioned how CBS had trouble with their "switcher" during the Patriot/Titan game and could only use half of their cameras. I laughed, and then I laughed some more. Purely be accident, CBS followed my advice on how I would televise a football game: Get rid of half the cameras, then use only half that remain.

I'm thinking of taking up smoking, just so I can have 3 free work-breaks during the day.

In Thursday's Wahoo when explaining the Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I mistakenly credited the originator of the piece to Joey Bishop. I have been corrected.

From Paul Schackman of Mount Tremer, New York:

"I've been enjoying your column for about two years now but I've never had occasion to write until now....
In reference to the 'formal' readings of Elvis lyrics, I think it was Steve Allen (and not Joey Bishop). Yes?

"I wonder if Peter Sellers pre-dates Steve Allen in reading rock lyrics? He read the Beatles 'A Hard Day's Night' as Laurence Olivier playing Richard III. It's available on several collections such as 'Classic Songs and Sketchs' on EMI. He also did 'She loves you' as Dr Strangelove - 'She loves you. Ya! Ya! Ya!' Overlay it with your best fake German accent."

"Always heard it was Steve Allen who read the Elvis Presley lyrics in a deadpan manner. But then again, I could be wrong."

"Not Joey Bishop. Steve Allen!!"

"On reading rock 'n' roll lyrics on TV in the 50's: Few people remember it correctly: it was Pinky Lee at the height of his popularity, during a very rare appearance on NBC's 'Meet the Press.' Don't remember exactly what his point was; I was only 7 or 8 at the time. Too bad there wasn't tape in those days..."

"To 'Hoo, or not to 'Hoo" - Is there a question? Yoo-Hoo: Now in the new Yoo-Hoo Dyna-Mocha flavor! Shake - It's Great!